By now you’ve heard of Giuliani’s new fundraising campaign of asking donors to donate $9.11. Well we dared to ask the question, why stop here? If you’re going to exploit 9-11, let’s go all the way! So, Mr. Giuliani, here are 10 more ways you can continue:

10. Toy Planes and Buildings

People who donate want to know they’re getting a little something in return. So for their sacrifice, you could offer toy planes and buildings. The kids would love the way the battery-powered toys make explosion noises at building/plane impact!

Asshole Factor: 4/10

9. Sept. 11 Pop-Up Book

Wow your donors with an authentic 9/11 pop-up book. They won’t be able to get over the realism of a plane coming right at their faces! Better yet, offer smoke masks along with the book. It’s more than the firefighters got, anyway. If they aren’t into books, offer them 9/11 popup greeting cards with sympathetic themes!

Asshole Factor: 6/10

8. United 93 Rollercoaster

Make your campaign stops a ton of fun by offering your supporters a ride on the United 93 Rollercoaster, complete with throat-slitting terrorists. Hand out wielding gummi-knives to passengers and watch them futilely attempt to ward off the hijackers, just like in real life! Encourage them to leave last-words cell phone messages to their loved ones before they board the ride, which will climax with a straight shot that takes its passengers directly toward a tall building and then drops them unexpectedly!

Asshole Factor: 8/10

7. Sept. 11 Funhouse

You could charge a nominal fee for families to enjoy a fun-filled day exploring the adventures of 9-11.There would be toy windows for the kids to jump out of, a smoke machine, a display of how different jet and rocket fuels burn, and even a riveting game of find the bodies in the rubble. We’ll end it all up with a rousing pin-the-blame-on-Iraq, and the families can toss a quarter into the Mayor Giuliani water fountain to make their dreams come true!

Asshole factor: 8/10

6. Custom-Made Missing Persons Posters

Offer made-to-order Missing Persons Posters for those who felt left out when they didn’t see their faces on posters tacked up in NYC after the buildings fell. Let them customize the posters with their own pictures and, if they choose, an anxious plea for contact from a loved one! The best part is, you don’t have to die to receive this one! Burnt edges $1.00 extra.

Asshole Factor: 6/10

5. Sept. 11 Workout Video

Engage the citizens in some breath-taking exercise with a 9-11 workout video. You can lead them through the obstacles our 9/11 victims and survivors faced, like frantically running down stairs and high-distance jumping! They’ll be glad they can get the healthful benefits without having to ingest smoke, dodge fire or fall to their deaths.

Asshole Factor: 5/10

4. Sept. 11 Widow/Widower Date Auction

9/11 left a bunch of citizens widowed, so why not help their lives and raise money for your campaign at the same time? Hold a date auction where participants can bid on their choice of 9/11 widows and widowers. If you bring love and happiness to their lives, they’re SURE to vote for you!

Asshole Factor: 9/10

3. Complimentary Giuliani Parachutes

Let office workers know you care - you can award anyone who makes a significant contribution to your campaign with a complimentary parachute with your face printed on it. If office workers on high floors ever have to use the ‘chutes, they’ll see your face and remember just how much you care.

Asshole Factor: 4/10

2. Sept. 11 Calendar

We know that “every day is 9/11″ for you, Mr. Giuliani. Share this with the nation by offering 9/11 calendars - Every day is 9/11! For a small fee, you could also include a DVD of the Twin Towers burning so everyone can re-live the experience indefinitely! Each month (all September, of course) will have a gorgeous high-resolution photograph of the 9/11 carnage and destruction we’ve all grown to love.

Asshole Factor: 5/10

1. Debate Rhetoric

You could even mention 9-11 every 5 seconds in each debate. This would… oh, wait…

Asshole factor: 10/10

This administration is amazing. It’s absolutely, completely and horrifically crazy. We thought a harmless little cock-suck and a president who was afraid to tell the truth about it was a national tragedy, one worthy of impeachment and intense investigation. Perjury and obstruction of justice. It can’t get much worse, right?Oh man, it gets so much worse.
I’m not just talking about Bush and Cheney when I criticize this government. I’m talking about all of these stupid fucks who think they can get away with crazy shit. Here are a few examples.

1. What the hell was Randall Tobias thinking? Demanding that people take anti-prostitution “loyalty oaths” before they receive AIDS outreach is a bit hypocritical, especially when Tobias was frequenting a neat little D.C. prostitution ring himself. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for legalizing prostitution so that we can ensure it’s disease-free, safe, and so we can tax the hell out of it and maybe have some more money for education and other important things, but YOU DO NOT TELL PEOPLE NOT TO GO TO PROSTITUTES AND THEN DO SO YOURSELF. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Thanks for resigning, Tobias. And thanks for waiting for the news to break about your stupidity before you did it, you stupid fuck.
2. Alberto Gonzales is also a major disappointment. Controversy over the dismissal of U.S. attorneys: check. Unwarranted domestic eavesdropping: check. And so on. I just don’t think the word “incompetence” even begins to cover it. In a moment of awesomeness, a Harvard Law kid told him how ashamed she (and her fellow students) is that he graduated from their school and refused to shake his hand afterward. Hell yes.
3. I do have to talk about Bush, though. You can’t gripe about the government without mentioning Dubya at least 38,292,291 times (that is an approximation). Here we have a guy who lied about things that actually affect people! He’s not lying about a blow job. He’s lying about fucking weapons of mass destruction, a war, about the reasons our troops are in Iraq. He’s illegally wiretapped and spied on people. Don’t get me started on torture and civil rights… You know what? I can’t go on about Bush. I just can’t. I don’t even think I can go on about Cheney right now.

In fact, I can’t go on at all, because I’m getting too angry. The first step we need to take is clean out this fucking government. Impeach the Bush and Cheney bastards for fucking up the president way more than the other impeached presidents have. Clean out this scandal-ridden administration. Get this long, drawn-out, second Vietnam OVER WITH NOW and bring our troops home. Fix ourselves before we try to fix anyone else.

For America to be Iraq’s poster-child for “democracy” we sure are a little skewed. I never want to hear “My fellow Americans” come out of Dubya’s lips ever again. He is not my fellow American. He barely deserves citizenship in the country he’s fucked up so much since the Supreme Court gave him the presidency so very long ago.

What’s going to suck is when Bush is out of office and eventually dies of old age or whatever it is that evil, awful people die of, we’re going to have to listen to a bunch of idiots regale how awesome he was, and how great he was for the country, and I’m going to have to suppress outrage and vomit in order to remain polite.

Living in the South sucks sometimes.

Everyone knows emo kids, right? Here, an illustration to remind you of what an emo kid is, exactly:

Emo kids are everywhere. And while I understand young people’s needs to create a subgroup of society in which they can belong and be themselves, I do not think going emo is the solution. I just think they need to stop cutting their hair so it hangs in front of their faces and listening to music so sickeningly whiny it makes me want to vomit, that’s all.

But the point of this post isn’t to whine about emo people, because that’s been done before, and whining is so emo.

No, living in the South can suck sometimes, and NOT ONLY because we have emo kids wandering the streets, listlessly lamenting about how their tight girl-jeans cut off their circulation.. NOT ONLY that, but we also have The Redneck in our midst.

This is the sector of society that thinks it is A-OK to revere Nascar, the lottery, the invention of beer, big trucks (for boys with small peters), trucker hats, beer bellies, hairy backs, the GOP, the Confederate flag and super-trashy yards.

So any time I go to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries, I’m confronted by scenarios filled with both of these extreme personalities. You have the emo kid skulking and following his mom around, whining about how Wal-Mart is a horrible corporation and he’ll have nothing to do with it. Then you’ve got the redneck on the canned foods aisle, torturing a Wal-Mart employee with, “I don’t know why I can’t just find no good ol’ green beans. Why the hell you selling this fancy schmancy stuff? Gar-bayan-zo beans? I ain’t never even heard of them. They must not even be real beans!” All the while, his wife stands by silent and wide-eyed, his crotchlings scream and I just die a little inside.

I don’t have a solution for this, other than STOP LETTING THEM BREED.

What would happen if you bred a redneck and an emo kid?

Armageddon.

Ok… Seriously. Some people really need to re-evaluate their lifestyle choices. There are three critical mistakes that people have made lately and it really gets on my frigging nerves.

1. Some people having taken to heart that yes Justin Timberjumpinthelakeanddrown has indeed brought sexy back. I mean come on people. This is the same guy who dated Spears back in the day. I don’t care what else he’s done in his life. That stuff won’t wash off. There isn’t enough sexy in the world to get past it. I’m sorry. You just have to accept it.

2. Next is that some people have actually bought into the T-shirt trend and are buying 50 million different shirts claiming that THEY have brought sexy back… Why would you buy this? I actually had to stand in line at Walmart and watch as 3 mindless zombie girls discussed in avid debate as to how they would bring sexy back more than the other girls they’ve seen as they flashed each others wal-mart-clone-sexy shirts at each other in their various shades of vomit colored goodness.

3. Ok… I don’t have to go into much detail here. Have you SEEN some of the people wearing these shirts? Sure. There are always a few that you can appreciate. But more often than not, you see a walking oxymoron (stress the word moron) with these shirts and accessories wandering about in public. Sexy is not as sexy wears.

Please please please… Think before you submit yourself to the masses in what can only be described as one of the worst fads to come about in recent years. Your pseudo-individualistic statement says “Look at me. I’m as mindless and FANtastically idiotic as 5 million other people.” Yes indeed… You are the one. You have brought sexy back. Just like everyone else. Just be sure to get a refund before your 30 day return policy expires.
xr

Some people shouldn’t breed. Now, I’m not advocating that the government start a massive eugenics program again and start sterilizing everyone who’s a minority or has a disability or is a CIS worker, but children just seem to be getting dumber and dumber as society grows smarter and smarter.

For example, if you have graduated from a public high school, you should know that the government can’t “just print more money.” It doesn’t work that way. I had the same brilliant idea when I was a kid - and by kid, I mean a lot younger than, say, in my 20’s. How do we solve the money problem? Why can’t we just print more! Right… If you weren’t aware that the government can’t just print more money at a whim, try this if you are a Retardifriend and this if you are normal.
Let’s take the typical man who would believe something like this and call him, say, Retardicus. Retardicus don’t got no need for no education because he can use his unearthly brawn to float him along through life, until back problems and alcoholism debilitate him and he starts living off the state.

Retardicus enjoys several things, including Beer and More Beer. Sometimes he watches TV and yells at it.

One day Retardicus will meet Retardicette - a female who perhaps possesses some intelligence and thought of her own, but has been conditioned by society to yearn for male companionship and settle for the safest, easiest male that comes along. Unfortunately, Retardicus affirms any silly beliefs Retardicette’s parents may have instilled in her, and the two quickly wed. They eat off camouflage plates at their wedding.

Retardicus doesn’t like fags, niggers, japs - anything different, because different is scary, and scary is bad. He don’t like taxes and he don’t like baby killers. All he wants is a good steak, a big-screen TV, and… well, beer, of course. Retardicette like the appeal of Retardicus’ manliness. She keeps him supplied with steak and beer, wholeheartedly tries but always fails to engage him in conversation about the inner workings of his brain, and talks to the characters on the television with him. She can’t really get him to talk much, but at least he’ll never leave her. She has that to look forward to.

Unfortunately, one of their lackluster lovemaking sessions (he calls it “humpin,” she calls it “lovemaking”) conceives a child that will inherit its father’s dull eyes, its mother’s impressionable mind and its ancestors’ keen ability to detect the status quo and vehemently cling to it. The child will grow up to have the same convictions as its parents and grandparents, will marry someone like Retardicus or Retardicette, and the trend will continue. That’s the beauty of heredity!
Meanwhile, someday I’ll get married and have children, and one day my child will come home from school and engage me in conversation.

“Mommy,” the child might say, “What’s a nigger?”

“Mommy,” the child might say, “Why do some people have more money than others?”

I can assure you my answers will be different from the Retardifamily’s. Now, everybody’s different. Not everyone out there wants to live the same life and have the same ideals as I do. I understand that. However, there is no excuse for such complete, absolute, abject ignorance.

So I propose that all of the Insensitive Bastards take this pledge, and encourage every Insensitive Bastard affiliate to take this pledge, until we have made enough impact to drastically reduce the Retardicus population of the world!

I pledge to recognize the Retardicuses and Retardicettes in my life, and I pledge to never engage in any matchmaking attempts between them.

I pledge to encourage all Retardicuses and Retardicettes (hereafter known as Retardifriends) to expand their minds. I will attempt to make them think about and research things like Politics and The Government rather than blindly adopting the beliefs of their parents/guardians.

I pledge to discourage marriage and/or procreation among Retardifriends. If they do marry, I pledge to do my best to convince them not to have children.

I pledge to do anything in my power to keep Retardifriends from fucking up this world anymore than they already have.

If we work together, friends, we CAN make a difference!

Much love,
IBitch

Some of you may be wondering about the title. I’ll get to that in a minute. First I want to chime in about media coverage of Anna Nicole and Britney. The news media has been all over the death of Anna Nicole (hereafter referred to as Whore) and Britney Spears (hereafter known as Godless whore). Who really gives a flying fuck!? Even the local news has updates about it. Have we really sunk that fucking low? This shit doesn’t even merit being on a Fox news ticker. There are many other issues that need to be covered in the media. I also vow that after this article I will never mention Whore and Godless Whore in a sentence again unless it is in someway about defecation.

Now, about the title of this post. One important news worthy event is the 2008 Presidential budget. It a chance for taxpayers to really see where all the money being wasted and how they are funding the tax breaks. Big media hasn’t really covered, talked about, or asked very many questions about it. But they do know for certain what was in Whore’s “Death Fridge“.

Here is where I go way out into left field. I was talking with some friends and one guy brought up the budget and was talking about how they are basically screwing people. That’s when it hit me. Bush killed Whore and made Godless Whore shave her head to draw attention away from the 2008 budget. He knew the media would pounce on the story and not ask a question about his actions. For shame big media for taking the bait, for shame. Of course I know it didn’t really happen, that would require coordination and smarts, both of which the current administration lack.

If you would like to look over the budget, a guy (probably unemployed) went through the effort to make the 2008 budget into a poster. Since I know you lazy bastards like pictures…..Enjoy! Death and Taxes Also, on a side note by writing this I’m probably harming the troops and showing my lack of faith in their cause blah blah blah

First, watch this video.
While I think it’s fortunate and only natural that Dick Cheney is happy about having another grandchild, I don’t think it’s too personal to talk about on TV or to the media. If a blow job isn’t too personal to share with the entire world, why is a lesbian couple raising a child too personal for Dick to address in a television interview?

The reason people are being so nosy, Dick, is because the fact that you are supporting your daughter in this decision makes you a hypocrite. Surprise! It’s easy to denounce homosexuality - with strict accordance to your party lines - until it hits so close to home. You’ll love your grandchild. Your grandchild may be gay or straight, and you probably won’t care either way. But that’s only acceptable for your kid, right?

Right.

For some reason, this reminds me of a lesson I had to learn about “compassionate conservatives” a few years ago. In high school, I spent a few summers working in a small office doing layout and design for a yearly board meeting document. I sat and chatted with the secretary quite often, and one day she told me a story about a gay friend of hers. She laughingly recounted how they’d spend hours in Applebee’s, writing numbers on coasters and using them as a 1-10 scale to flash at one another when cute boys walked past. It was so sad, she told me, when he died of AIDS.

A few years later, when I was a sophomore in college and had just marched in a gay pride parade with some of my friends, I got an email this woman had forwarded to me. It was anti-gay propaganda from the American Family Association; this surprised me. Her deceased friend, whose company she had treasured, was one clue that not all homosexuals are immoral and disgusting. I replied to the email and told her it was funny she’d sent it; I’d just marched in a gay pride parade the day before, and I wouldn’t be very likely to join her crusade.

Her response? “Choose your battles.” Something about the gay people in New Orleans making it a den of sin, parading about shirtless in the streets and corrupting children.

I wonder if her friend was like that? I wonder if Mary Cheney is like that?

I responded with, “I work in a gas station. I see disgusting people every day. I see some of the trashiest people I have ever met in my entire life here, and most of them are straight, some of them toting children with them. There are some trashy gay people, but there are decent gay people too. Straight people are the same way. Trash is trash.”

Yeah. So Mary Cheney’s having a baby. Did anyone see her on Letterman? She’s been quiet for years about her homosexuality because she knew it’d hurt her dad’s political agenda. When she finally decides to talk about it, she writes a book so she can bank on it.
The whole thing just leaves me feeling kind of dirty. You know, the hypocrisy and all.

I made a flag-burning joke to my boss earlier, followed by a comment about how it is merely a form of free expression.

“You shouldn’t say that down here; maybe up North or something,” he said.

“I took a whole class about-”

“I don’t care if you had a nine-course meal about it; it still isn’t right.”

Shot down. Whoa. Can’t even defend myself, because he followed that with “Everybody has their own opinion!” and walked off.
Here’s the deal, folks. If I buy a flag - if it’s a piece of MY property - and I want to burn it on property I either own or have permission to burn things on, there is no way you can fucking stop me. If I want to burn it, I will. You can arrest me, but I will attempt to take the court case to the Supreme Court, and if they have any goddamn sense of what the Constitution is made of, they will shoot you down.
If I steal a flag from someone else and attempt to burn it on private property not belonging to me, then by all means, arrest me. I’m destroying something that belongs to someone else. I am starting fires on someone else’s property. Makes sense.

I’d address all the major complaints against flag-burning individually, but I’ll just boil them down to the ones I normally hear:

“They don’t respect our country if they burn flags! They shouldn’t be allowed to do that because the flag is sacred! We should have a constitutional amendment against flag burning! I mean, we should have some protected free speech and expression BUT NOT THAT MUCH DANGIT!”

Right. Like it’s very easy to define what should and shouldn’t be protected. The very essence of our country is freedom. I will probably never burn a flag in my lifetime, but I wholeheartedly support that any citizen of this free country has the fucking right to burn the American flag, whether it’s out of spite or protest. The motivation behind the burning doesn’t matter. I hope that any protest I ever make against the government or our country’s practices or anything else here I generally disagree with will be allowed via the First Amendment. That’s what makes this country bearable. I’ve hated practically every decision the Republican regime has inflicted on us during most of Bush’s reign, but the fact that I have the First Amendment rights to LEGALLY BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT ALL is the only thing that has kept me going. That, and the thought of Barack Obama being president. But I digress.

Here is a list of things I passionately hate and sometimes wish America would outlaw, but then I remember the whole freedom thing and realize some people should be allowed to partake if they so choose.

• Toby Keith
• Chicken McNuggets from McDonalds
• Big box stores like Wal-Mart
• SUVs; specifically, HUMMERS not used for combat
• Anybody who believes in a flat tax
• Gaucho capris
• Southern Baptists

But I can’t attempt to get the Supreme Court to dictate that Toby Keith should be outlawed just because I can’t stand his obnoxious music. Our Constitution is just fine the way it is. We don’t need any amendments defining marriage. We don’t need any amendments outlawing flag burning. If you don’t like flag-burning, don’t acknowledge those who do it. There’s nothing a protestor hates more than being ignored. I know this.

Plus, a country as GREAT AND AWESOME AND LOVEABLE as the U.S. should be able to withstand something as simple as the burning of a piece of fabric that merely represents - but does not encompass - the country’s greatness.

So who loves America more - the person who refuses to acknowledge dissent as anything but criminal, or the person who recognizes that it’s a necessary component of a free country?

I’m not going to lie and say I love this goddamned country. It’s all kinds of fucked up. But I do love my freedom. It makes this place almost tolerable sometimes. But outlawing an expression that amounts to setting fire to a decorated piece of cloth - well, that’s about as un-American as it gets, ladies and gentlemen.
brb LOLZ going to burn sum flags now TTYL LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my favorite insensitive bitches EVER, Molly Ivins, died after a battle with breast cancer. I fondly remember numerous letters to the editor in the Texarkana Gazette where the writers demanded the editors stop running Ivins’ viciously liberal columns.

Nobody was more adept and experienced in poking fun at George Shrub than Ivins. To celebrate her inspiring life, here are some Ivins quotes.

• What you need is sustained outrage…there’s far too much unthinking respect given to authority.
• Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.
• You can’t ignore politics, no matter how much you’d like to.
• One function of the income gap is that the people at the top of the heap have a hard time even seeing those at the bottom. They practically need a telescope. The pharaohs of ancient Egypt probably didn’t waste a lot of time thinking about the people who built their pyramids, either. OK, so it’s not that bad yet — but it’s getting that bad.
• It’s like, duh. Just when you thought there wasn’t a dime’s worth of difference between the two parties, the Republicans go and prove you’re wrong.
• I am not anti-gun. I’m pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We’d turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don’t ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.
• I believe all Southern liberals come from the same starting point — race. Once you figure out they are lying to you about race, you start to question everything.
• from her last column, January 11, 2007: We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we’re for them and trying to get them out of there.

-SBK

People never cease to amaze me. It’s snowing pretty hard outside my dorm right now, and there is ice on the ground. It’s very foggy, too. These definitely aren’t the best conditions for anyone to be driving, especially your average cell phone toting, coffee drinking motorist. I just hate to see the roads of Fayetteville more or less devoid of cars and to see those few brave (or stupid) motorists take to the streets like their car is somehow different from the other 67,000 or so cars in town. They always look suprised while they are sliding down Dickson Street trying madly to not crush frightened pedestrians. Why don’t people get tickets for this sort of thing? Wreckless driving is wreckless driving, no matter what condition the streets are in.
-Clint in space